MY LIFE AS A TIGHTROPE WALKER

Hello dear imaginary readers, and welcome to what is a new beginning for me.

I had been bouncing around the idea of a blog for almost a year; in fact I began one as emptynesteralmost. A few posts in, it just didnt feel right to me., those posts have been added to this blog and show in the history. The stories and feelings were mine, but somehow hiding behind the name didn’t feel authentic. It was almost as though I was intentionally setting myself up for failure. I had been reviewing on Trip Advisor under that handle for about 9 years, and thought yeah, what a place to jump off from. In the end, heading that way took me further along the tightrope.

I have been someone’s employee, wife or mother for the past 40 years or so. I have worked in sub shoppes, butcher shops, sold cosmetics both retail and home based. There were jobs babysitting, coaching and working in the financial services industry wearing many different hats. Been married for 31 years (how the hell did that happen!), been a Mom for almost 30 years (oh dear lord!), somewhere along the line I lost my voice.

Back in the day as my kids would say, my Mom would share with everyone that I was not backward about being forward. Know what I mean? I wasn’t afraid to talk to anyone about anything, anywhere any time! Those days are gone and I want them back. For my life’s sake - I need them back.

I’m not sure how it happened. Clearly I used my voice during the positions I held, and with what life threw my way. But somehow, somewhere along the way I got careful and took my first steps out on that tightrope. Having to be careful of what was said to or in front of the kids is only to be expected - just good parenting. Next, came feeling that people didn’t need nor would want to hear my opinion at work and then at home. Not sharing my thoughts, feelings and opinions with anyone- my GOSH what might they think of me!

Each time I didn’t say what was on my mind, or allowed myself to be talked over, assisted me in perfecting my balance and moved me further along the tightrope. My God, if I actually spoke up my life may be thrown off balance and I’d be off the wire!

Well dear imaginary reader, for my life’s sake this blog is going to rock that sucker enough that I have to fall off. It is time to take my fist baby steps backward, toward the beginning of the tightrope. No way am I crossing to the other side, no more quiet for me. I am taking these steps with the help and support of my kids, those I actually bore and those that have adopted me (for which I am thankful). I had given up on getting my words down and therefore out of me - and they gifted me this website and blog. Now lets get one thing straight - I still don’t expect that my words will be read by anyone but me. I will always have my imaginary readers, and that is quite fine with me. I will try to check my spelling, admitt that grammar and I are not always friends. I just need to write, get my thoughts, and struggles ...actually allow my self to become a stronger person and begin to dream again. And with that dear imaginary readers, here we go again!

My name is Jill, in few months I turn 57 freaking years old. I have had some pretty cool experiences in the past couple of years and I will share some of that with you. My life is changing as my kids struggle with life, adulting, finding partners or not. My husband and I reclaim our marriage and not just parenting, reconnecting with old friends and making new ones; all of this will help me find my voice. I will do my best not to bore you, and will try to post two or three times a week. I am told that I am the only one that finds me funny and that’s ok. Laughter is just another kind of voice one that sometimes makes me laugh so hard I cry and no one else is :)

So welcome to my journey off the tightrope, my travels and travails as I am sure that I will take more than a couple of off balanced steps along my way off the tightrope.