A couple of months ago The Boy told me that he would be coaching a hockey team in the Hills around where he and DC live. Oh, and that DC would be the trainer. He then asked if I would be the team manager ”you’ve done this before Ma, so shouldn’t be a big deal, right?” I asked for a while to think about it.
The seconds right after he asked I just wanted to say not right, WRONG!! It is a big deal, do you have any idea what being a manager involves? I kept my mouth shut as I wasn’t thinking about hockey in any way. Not even for a nano second dear imaginary reader. I was thinking totally about myself and what it would mean to be the manager of the team. A team where I would only know two people. In a community where I knew no one, I didnt even know how to get to the rink?
How could I do this, I would have to TALK to PEOPLE. Who would be impacted by my decision? I never even thought to ask myself the question did I want to do this.
Living in the middle of nowhere it is very easy to not have to interact with real people for days at a time. Heck, if I have family pick up groceries I could go for weeks huddled safe and sound in my own little world. I mean, seriously, give me someone to take care of - and I don’t mean myself - and the dog or dogs to chat with and I am good. I have allowed myself to enter a cocoon of if i am at home I’m ok. Not much stress, I can control most situations..... I have allowed myself to fall into this trap so easily that I don’t even acknowledge asking myself the question,if I do this could I get hurt.
Could what ever it is hurt my body in any way, ooohhhh probs if I look hard enough. New people? Nope! Too many chances to embarrass myself or whom ever is crazy enough to go out in public with me. Drive in the dark? Since last fall’s encounter with Bambi, yeah...hard no to that. And I mean, take a look at me. I am short and round and struggle to dress in clothing that is not garden worthy or comfort driven.
I had to, no, HAVE to find a way to change my daily self talk. It is really difficult. So very very easy to talk myself out of doing anything, that is unless its for someone else and completed close to home.
I am now scaring myself on a weekly basis. I reluctantly said yes to The Boy and DC, I get to spend extra time with adult children, bonus. Then I get to struggle while I try to hold it all together in public. Last week I ran the power skating portion of a team practice. I had forgotten how much I enjoy yelling at kids while helping them learn something I love. I’m not on the ice for insurance purposes and the nagging thought in the back of my head that I could get hurt. Baby steps again.
Going to that practice meant leaving our home after 7 pm in the dark in October. Doing that made be nervous for the whole ride into the Hills. Then like an idiot I chose to drive a new route. What a goof, for at least half of it I was thinking, no actually saying out loud to my self, “what where you thinking???? If you hit a deer out here there will be no one around to help you!!!” Needless to say, I travelled home on a busier route. But I made it, saw a porcupine, nary a deer. FIngers crossed my luck continues.
LLB and I took our before pics and measurements on the weekend, Teach ya gotta do yours. We talked each other into actually doing it, we have talked at each other about taking them for months. Again, scary but we did it. And no one got hurt.
Every day I have to find something to say to myself that will help me grow, take chances, no matter how small. If not, I will never get off this tightrope.
Today, I shared this fear with you. I acknowledged it, holy sh*t is this freaking me out. Cheers to the baby steps, slowly getting over my fears and allowing myself to think of myself first.
Until next time dear imaginary reader.
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