Today is a reflective day for me dear imaginary reader, probably because tomorrow we are attending an event that makes me more than a little bit nervous. I know it will be fun, I guess it would be best to describe how I feel as excited nervousness - if ya know what I mean. There are fashion decisions to be made, making sure my house is ready for all the people that will be staying here. My whole family as well as old friends and the kids that have chosen us will be there. KB,PB, Jay and Bear, CycleHer and CycleHim ..woot, solid!
To speak or not to speak. Ya see, a few years ago in a festive setting I was asked my opinion on something by a friend. I found out this last fall that this person wasn’t my friend and that they had been discussing me with others rather than having a conversation about the situation with me. I was deeply hurt. After that situation I had informataion that I was asked to share, but didnt feel that it was appropriate that I do so. Not sharing ending up with me being involved in the most hurtful, heartbreaking, scaring verbal alteration of my life. One that hurts me even today. To speak or not speak. In no longer feeling that I have a voice have I lost the ability to know when to speak or not speak? Am I too far along the tight rope to get back to ground zero? To speak or not to speak. I feel so vulnerable. Best head out to the garden dear imaginary reader, ponder...have a wee cry. Then come back inside and try to pull my sh*t together. Gotta find clothes to hide this fluffy body - and search for a game face.
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I am one lucky girl, I have been able to attend two Blue Jays games in five days. One with the love of my immediate life, the other with CycleHer . Both days were sunny days with wins! GO JAYS!! We need all the help we can get.
Our family has been Jays fans for a number of years - over 20 years to be exact. We have been lucky enough to share tickets for that long, an adventure to a game with Dad was the event the summer for the kids. Each of them got to go to one game with Dad, each game developed a pattern. First off came the long car ride from that community to the west of us into the BIG SMOKE....holy cow they were going to TORONTO!!! The excitement that glowed from their little faces as game day approached was magical. I would hear how they would bounce in their seats with excitement the whole way to Toronto. After parking the car, the next stop would be the Royal York Hotel. Dad and which ever lucky kid it was that day would find a prime location to sit in the lobby and people watch, something that we all still love to do today. Next up would be the long walk to the Rogers Centre as it was known back in the day. I say long because when you are little there were and still are plenty of things to distract you along the walk. Once inside there was the mandatory bathroom stop, then a stop at the snack bar. Our seats began at the top of a section, close to the bathrooms and over the years moved closer to the field. The rule with Dad was what ever you wanted to eat or drink you could have - seriously whatever. There was LLB’s 8th birthday when we arranged to have her birthday up on the Jumbotron. As the big moment arrived she informed her Dad that she had to go to the bathroom - “could you wait a few minutes honey”? Ten minutes later LLB apparently began the big seat wiggle...”can we go now Dad”? “Just a few more minutes”. Finally her birthday appeared on the screen, and they could make a run for it. That year our seats weren’t close to the bathrooms - it was a run and thank goodness they made it. I have heard stories about being permitted to eat ice cream, popcorn, candy floss, wash it all down with pop - make a trip to the bathroom to toss it all up and start again! No wonder he was Daddy Fun and I was the homework ogre! Over the years and as we moved, the car ride turned into a GO train ride. The candy floss and popcorn to Beer and Street Meat. I too have had a couple of games with the girls..don’t think I have been to a game on my own with the boy. I have learned about the game, though don’t think I will ever have the knowledge of the rest of my family. No matter how they play, Da Jays hold a special place in our hearts and memories. Hello dear imaginary reader! I am sorry to have been away from here for so long - technical issues were the cause. Fingers crossed that they are finished, don’t think that I can call myself a technical person, but hope I have things under control. It was a busy week here in the middle of nowhere, still going strong on getting the gardens up to snuff and then piling on the mulch. Last week DC dropped off the big guy Murphy, for a day of fun and games and a sleep over with Ollie. Thank goodness Murphy had his tie out as I had a lot of work that I wanted to get done. The love of my immediate life and I quickly decided that if I tried to put the screw post into the dirt that in no time flat, Murph would be coming to visit me in what ever garden I was mulching. With that in mind, I placed the wire coated lead around one of our big maple trees in the front yard. My thought was that I would zip to the side yard with the wheelbarrow and Ollie, quickly scoop up some mulch and get back to a flower bed close to Murphy as fast as I could. My first mistake was taking Ollie with me - the second Murph couldn’t see Ollie, he started barking. The second mistake was thinking that I could shovel mulch quickly, have you met my back and hip? None the less, quick scoop McGraw I made my self be. I turned the corner just as the howl was about to begin. The look on Murphy’s face was pure joy “OLLIE, YOU DO LOVE ME”! I would dump my wheelbarrow and get another load as quickly as possible. I had such plans! Nope, Murphy’s law was about to take precedent, he just could not handle Ollie being out of sight, me, meh, he could do with out. His buddy, no way. It was time to change tactics. We have 8 big pine trees at the mouth of our driveway, their cones cause havoc with the blade of the lawn mower when my love gets his outdoor work hat on. I made the decision that I would pick them all up so that Murphy could keep an eye on Ollie (and me). After the second wheelbarrow my body was not liking what I was doing to it. Did I listen? Murphy has gotten to be a big boy, and plays so gently with Ollie there is a bit of difference in size; Murphy 61 pounds and Ollie 16 pounds. Murphy 7 months, Ollie 12 years. They love to chase each other around our kitchen island and dining table. The night after their sleep over the love of my immediate life had Ollie out for his evening constitutional when Ollie saw a rabbit and chased after it. From what we can figure out, we think he zigged when he should have zagged and managed to injure himself. Which led to us having to miss DC’s graduation as we had to take Ollie to the vet. I suppose that perhaps I may have over reacted, I was soooo upset - but after loosing our big dog so quickly my mind and heart quickly slip to scary thoughts. My back was done in my either the mulch or the pine ones, I am betting this one.... I guess my take away from this week is that no matter your age, young or old, sometimes ya just have to take a couple of steps backward dear imaginary reader, take a chance and run with the big dogs.
Our old house with the now missing maple trees was our very first house as a married couple. It was 1990, the housing market was at its peek, mortgage rates high, as I mentioned I was pregnant with LLB. The love of my immediate life and I looked at the house, which was a private sale and just knew it was THE one, 4 level side split, large fenced yard. Room to grow - the only downside - only one bathroom, ok the closets were very small as well. It was March when we saw it, my love was soon to be heading to Vegas with the boys, he was also a little hung over. He liked the house, but perhaps he was quick to say yes so he could go home and sleep hahah! Again as I had mentioned dear imaginary reader, we moved in Friday and LLB was born Monday. Our son was not quite two, excited to have a little sister yet fearful of a bigger bedroom. So, twenty eight years ago the habit of putting the kids to bed and then having a bath was born. The top floor of our little house was home to three bedrooms, a linen closet and the bathroom. Said bathroom was directly across the hall from LLB’s room, and just 6 or so steps from the boy’s room. As his teeth were brushed before bed my bath water would be running, proof that I would be there in that oh so lovely blue and pink bathroom. Ah yes...dark blue and pink. After story time, putting the baby downstairs with the love of my life, I would double check our son then head to the bathtub. A good book in hand, I would dip into the not so deep tub and attempt to read while keeping an ear open for both kids. The boy could wander and the baby cry needing me even though she was with her Dad. Almost three years later along came baby girl - our controller. Our son and LLB shared a room for a while as baby girl yelled and screamed pulling me out of the nightly bath or up to grab her so she could sleep with my love and I, all in the name of not being so upset. The love of my immediate life tried to break me of the habit of getting her when ever she threw a fit. If I waited Miss Controller would then vomit - I swear - all just to get her own way. I went away for a weekend with friends, and somehow, I don’t want to know how, my love broke her of this habit. Eventually the girls shared a room, the boy enjoying his own space - nightly baths were a calm thing. I was close - I could come to whom ever needed me or they would come and sit and chat about all or nothing. This went on for 12 years. It was time, we had more than out grown the one bathroom, which was now a lovely marble (thank you Reno gods!). As is often the case when you move, the parents space is the last to get a facelift. We finally had a master bathroom - it had plenty of space for a tub but alas, the space was empty. Nightly baths close to the kids continued with me in the tub in the kids bathroom, a book in my hand always ready to have a chat or try to settle things down. Eventually it came time to make an addition to our master bath. The love of my immediate life and his buddy HB did some great work and created a spa like space for, me its soft and calming, still close to the kids. They gave thought to everything - This is the view from my bathtub. Its a deep soaker with elbow rests. They didnt get me a tub with jets - they knew that part of the nightly bath ritual often involves chatting with the kids. My Reno guys knew that as the kids got older, talks would get more serious, so they made sure there was a wide edge for my wine glass to rest.
We have been in this house 17 years, the nightly bath habit is still a thing. Now when I soak I can have candles lit and the room dark as I use my new birthday kindle to read. There is perhaps more red wine in the glass....I often look up through this window and will catch a peek at a bird gliding along, or a squirrel bounding along the opposite ridge of the roof. More often than not I will look up into a dark starry night and think of my kids, their problems, their achievements, the future. On amazing nights I will hear an unexpected “MA! Where are you?”, I reply “in the bath!” I get to hear feet running up the stairs, if its our boy he will stand just inside our bedroom and will chat through the door. If its the girls, they will come right on in and chat just like it has always been. On occasion, they will bring a bottle of wine, make themselves comfy and we will solve the problems of the world. Old habits do die hard my dear imaginary reader - but I pray that this one never ends. It has been a crazy couple of weeks out here in the middle of no where, new neighbors on the road, the ponds across the road have lost about 6 feet of water and our roof has been replaced. A lot of change, some good, some bad. At points over the past two weeks we have had up to eleven men working both in and outside of the house. With the new roof came new roof windows. With the roof windows came drywall dust. Drywall dust that travels throughout our home usually comes with Jill having a bit of a melt down. Now add the mess outside that goes hand and hand with a new roof....it was stressful for me. That said, in my opinion anyway, I handled things well. I did not melt down, I did not consume copious amount of red wine, nor gin. Woot, Woot! Perhaps the mulch factor helped me address the stress. The love of my immediate life is still chipping away at the retired shake, plenty of gardens still to be weeded and topped. I have yet to wander my way to a garden centre to get plants for my planters and baskets. Fingers crossed that something still half decent is waiting for me when I get there. Gardening in the middle of no where can be a challenge with so many wanted and not so wanted plants blowing in each season. I have learned that yes, as much as I hate to say this, 10 minutes of weeding is what my back and hip can handle. Shoveling, moving and spreading mulch, now that takes me over the hour mark. Progress! Over the past two weeks I have received personal complements, why is it that most women cannot accept a complement? I don’t understand, even though I am one of them. Is it that we don’t feel worthy? Are we embarrassed? Is it that we don’t hear them often and therefore are somewhat in shock when we have to respond? I was recently chatting with someone I hadn’t seen in about two years, the complement was “you look relaxed, trim and young, how do you do it?” My brilliant response - “I am sure its all due to the Preparation H I used under my eyes this morning “. Yes , dear imaginary readers, I actually said that. Progress - NOT
Yesterday the love of my immediate life and I road tripped to the town/city where it all began for us. Where we met, lived and began our cool (in my mind anyway)party of five. It was a trip of necessity, though we always seem to find some fun when we head back. My love has some rental properties (with a buddy) that required attention and I had an appointment for a mammogram - my boobs required attention as well! Make sure you keep up with your appointments female imaginary readers.
I was fortunate enough to have a lunch planned with one half of the friends that we visited in Scottsdale earlier this spring (more of that in another post). My friend Cycleher picked me up from my appointment then headed west for a fun lunch. Lots of catching up and laughs - so happy to have had the opportunity to see her. My love came to pick me up perhaps sooner than I would have liked- but I guess that leaves more conversation for my next visit with Cycleher. The love of my immediate life and I drove further west to visit the town/neighborhood where we moved just before LLB was born; I do mean just before, we moved in on a Friday and she was born the following Monday. I tell people that she was the screaming baby from hell and hasn’t stopped hahah! She is going to kill me for this dear imaginary reader. Seriously, she knows when to listen and when to drive it home so to speak, all good for the lawyer she will become I am sure. Two weeks after LLB was born we brought Fred the singing Lab into the family, yes dear imaginary reader I was perhaps a little crazy at the time. (Be nice here hahah) The town was annexed shorty before we moved there, even today it still holds its own special small town vibe. The schools were good, calm streets lined with shade trees and big yards good for collecting lots of kids and their parents for fun times. There was and I am again sure that there still is an active recreational sports community - one that our little family partook of on a regular basis. Not being from the area it was in fact the root of our social scene for many a year. As we drove through town yesterday we were pleasantly surprised to see a number of business that were still going strong - we have been gone 17 years - a long time to stay viable in a small market. The neighborhood in many ways looks just the same - well tended homes and yards with young families enjoying the community. We drove by our old home, what a change! The two big maple trees from the front yard are gone, totally changes the feel of the place - but change must happen. In all aspects of life. Change can be good. There were good times and bad in that community We welcomed Baby Girl while we lived there, had wandering Lab experiences with Fred, my Mom passed away there..I was not sorry to leave. Yesterday as we left the old hood and wandered our way east, we stopped at our friends Bear and Jay’s house. These two lived just down the street from us, their family were the first we met and have been a staple in our lives for 28 years. We hadn’t seen them for months but a hug, a gin and tonic and a seat on the deck felt like it was old times. I do miss the people, or chosen family that live in the area, but don’t miss living there. Change can be good, we moved and our chicks finished growing and for the most part have spread their wings and have flown the nest. Yes dear imaginary reader, I sometimes have difficulty with that part, I admit it. Our change of location offered new vistas and opportunity for our kids, thankfully they have taken full advantage of that. One constant has been the people, back decks and support that began “back in the day” and carries on now and into the future. We are truly blessed. Back in the winter that seemed like it would never end our friends DaRah and Yvon asked if we would like to go camping on the Victoria Day long weekend. We have never camped then so sure! Why the heck not! It’ll be fun they said..... Our tent trailer has been our home away from home for over ten years, it is our second such R.V. The path to a tent trailer was a simple one for me, no way in hell am I sleeping on the ground. No way, no how. Hence the tent trailer, still roughing it for me but not on the ground. Ok, Ok, I will be honest with you dear imaginary reader, it has been said by several people who shall remain nameless that in my mind roughing it is staying in a hotel that does not have room service. I say BAH to them, just not on the ground. Perhaps there is also a story of a visit to an amusement park where we girls rented a trailer for a Victoria Day weekend in the past where there was a smidgen of a turned up nose. But other than that, I am good. Our tent trailer has taken us to Provincial Parks, family reunions, cottages, our back yard and our driveway. When we first got our Coleman, we travelled with it and then it spent the summer set up in our driveway, the official sleeping quarters for the boys of our hood. As my love says, it owes us nothing. As last summer began to wind down the love of my immediate life, Ollie and I headed up to Inverhuron Provincial Park. This trip was our first in a couple of years, and the first without any of the kids - we survived! Just a bit of tension when lining up the hitch with the ball on the truck. I was anxious, stressed and for sure did not say a word. Inverhuron was a great park to be in, lots to do in the area and KB2 is just a stones throw away. LAST YEAR IN INVERHURON - BOX WINE IS ALLOWED WHEN CAMPING! While the weather was wonderful, company so so (hahaa...I am soooo funny) - we began to wonder if we were ready to upgrade to a light travel trailer. I chose the site for Inverhuron, close enough to the rest station so I could make solo night trips - and then we got there. Those sites are far apart, good for privacy not so good for solo night time bathroom breaks. Night one I made the love of my immediate life get out of bed and walk with Ollie and I. Night two, my love would not walk with me and insisted that i learn how to do a tree pee. Me, pee outside? No, no NO! Well, that turned into shit! If I have to, show me. I learned, it was private but - I still made him come out with us. There are animals in the bush ya know? Yah, a light travel trailer with a bathroom sounds just the ticket! We sent our wee trailer into the shop over the winter for some tune ups, just in case we decided to upgrade. And the search for a light travel trailer began. Holy smokes they are expensive, and we would need a different vehicle to tow it. Not sure I can picture myself driving a pick up truck - can you dear imaginary reader? We headed to Algonquin Park to meet DaRah and Yvon this past Victoria Day Weekend, it was bright and sunny. The drive was good, as we left early, we arrived in good time. While we had stayed in the park in the past, never Pog Lake; its a beautiful campground that is located in a pine forest. Let me say that again, a pine forest, in the spring. Have you seen Ollie dear imaginary reader? His longish fur? He was a sap manger! Our first night was great, DaRah and Vyon have a light travel trailer that has a bathroom (woot woot) which was used during our campfire. Day two was very wet and cold, day three...well I think the next picture sums it up We were wet and cold. We spent time in DaRah and Yvon’s trailer and in ours. The furnace on our old girl did just fine thank you very much! Other than the weather our trip was great, amazing company, great spot - one we will visit later in the year perhaps when its not sappy.
I have a year left on my truck lease, can you picture us leaving our driveway in a pickup with a travel trailer, the canoe in the pickup and Ollie hanging out the window? Hmmmmmm. For years, longer than I have been in the picture and THAT is a long time, the love of my immediate life and his buddy HB have headed into the back country of Algonquin Park. Much to our children’s amusement there is pictorial proof of such adventures. The boys looking like they are all of 16 (probs in their 20’s) faces in the opening of what I am sure was the worlds smallest pup tent with hunting kinives in their mouths. Pictures with silly grins on their faces with fish of varying size on a stringer...you get the picture right dear imaginary reader?
Always it feels like Vegas when they make it back to civilization in all their stinky glory - what happens in the Park, stays in the Park. Now and then you get a tid bit of a story, the proverbial one that got a way, you should have seen the Moose! But never, ever any of what those of us at home would think of as the good stuff. A couple of years ago the love of my immediate life started talking about this lady that the boys had seen in the park. She was a good stroker and could really move. They had watched her portage, she was light on her feet. But no further information was shared. This spring when it was time to begin planning for the annual adventure the boys asked me what colour I like on top, yellow or blue? Ya never know what the heck they have been chatting about, so I tend to just answer and leave it alone. Going down the rabbit hole with these two can be a trip that sometimes ya just don’t want to get into. A few weeks later it became apparent that this years back country trip wasn’t going to happen due to the ice coming off the lakes late. Disappointment radiated from the faces of the love of my immediate live and HB. A quick phone call was made, a wee chat and happy smiles appeared. The love of my immediate life had ordered a lady with a blue top that was easy to handle and quick to move and she was going to be ready in a week. Yes dear imaginary reader, “she” is a canoe. A sixteen foot blue topped piece of fiberglass and Kevlar that scares the hell out of me. You see, the expectation is that I go on day trips with my love in said canoe.I can count on one hand the number of times I have been in a canoe, two of them with my love - both stressful. Every time the canoe rocked I gasped and quickly grabbed the gunnels(?), sides? I don’t know what the hell they are called, I held on for dear life! Apparently doing that is not a good idea. I felt anxious. What if she tips and the water is over my head, how in the heck will I ever get back in? I could go on and on....but I won’t. I used my words (what a grown up I was!) and expressed my anxiety and fear. The love of my immediate life responded with “Jill, ya just go with the flow. Don’t move your hands, just let your ass move with the action, ok?” Hello anxiety! I travelled in my truck to pick her up and bring her home, my love traveling separately. At first glance, she wasbeautiful, did not look scary at all. I expressed my fears to Stewart, the canoe guru, he too explained to me to put my hands to core and let me backside go with the flow. As I peeked at my love while this was being explained he had that “ see, I told you so” grin on his face. The love of my immediate life and Stewart got her strapped on, my love headed into Efforttown and I slowly meandered back to the middle of no where, nervous that she might flip off and crash on the road along the way. After a careful drive, we arrived home and in one piece. I am told that the plan to acquaint my backside and to break me of the gasp will occur in our pool so that I feel safe. The pool isnt open yet, but will be soon, wish me luck dear imaginary reader. My gardens are both a blessing and a curse, I love to spend time in them but there are I believe 13 of them. They are often where I head out to for a little me time, I can work through a problem while weeding; or loose myself to the warmth of the sun on my back the feel of the dirt in my hands. Every now and then lifting my head to check to make sure that Oli is close and not off on his own personal adventure. Many times, I will take a moment and just sit there - a slight breeze on my face listening to the sounds of bird song. Then there are the times when I head out with a determined look on my face and a mission to accomplish. While I still enjoy my time playing in the dirt, these are the days that no matter what I will accomplish my goal. I believe I mentioned this before dear imaginary reader.
I took on a task last September, to tame the hydrangeas along the side garden of our pool and a few in the two front gardens. It took me two days, got completed my goal; and fubarred my low back. It wasn’t until after Thanksgiving that DC finally convinced me to get some professional attention. Seemed like no time flat and I was feeling better. Once summer is over, the pool closed and rainy days prevail I generally look for a different way to excercise. This past fall LLB introduced me to the on line lady that I mentioned in a past post. She and her group are amazing! A reasonable monthly fee, accountability, great workouts. Did I mention before that the median age of that group is probably 40? And mostly fit? The workouts do have modifications, but most workouts are HIITS. The most reps you can do in a certain time span. The trainer as great as she is cannot modify the mind set of someone far away who refuses to think that she can’t do something. See where I am going here? First came the cool HIITS, with cool excercise; then came me not listening to my body. Enter hip bursitis. While having to take things easy due to injury I decided to once again work on my lack of style. I joined a couple of Facebook groups geared toward women of a certain age. The first group I joined are great believers in posting pictures of their outfits daily, many, many pictures. The all looked great, like they were headed to Efforttown and had taken the looking good to head to town in a serious way. Average age - probs 65. Great group, probs not going to be my style. The next group I joined has a blog with a petite lady that shows you how she put her outfit together. The stores (mostly American and not available here), sales, clothing and accessories. Its great to have an image on clothing that probably could work for me. My gardens are at the point that other than a few annuals, they don’t require much financial expenditure anymore. My wardrobe is another matter. I have learned that many women in my position have trouble spending money on ourselves. I am not sure where this particular mind set comes from, I have no problem spending money on others. Just ask the love of my immediate life, he will be happy (or perhaps not so happy) to validate that statement! I worked outside the home and certainly contributed to the family “pot” so to speak but for me - I can talk myself out of a purchase in a heartbeat. Ok, maybe it takes me 20 but it happens. It is my belief dear imaginary readers that no one would ever describe me as the life of the party. That said back in the day, when I knew exactly who I was I could hold my own in conversation, laughs; you know the basic skills of having fun while living. Then came work, kids and the basic skills of living with the odd flash of fun thrown in. And when work was gone the kids were gone and the flashes of fun became trickles of fun. Progressive fun equals backward steps for me WOOT! In March I hit rock bottom.
The love of my immediate life flew off to Halifax to begin what I was sure would be an epic road trip home with the baby girl. She would soon begin an external placement with The Get Real Movement, then graduation and then adulting for her (please). I had approximately 36 hours to myself, allllllll alone, ok, just me and Oli. Ok, honest, just me , my dog and some red wine. Back to the task at hand, I had plans - filing, tax prep, ironing, catching up on Grey’s exciting stuff. I returned home after dropping my man at the GO station, grabbed a coffee and assumed my position at my perch, what ambition I had earlier had vanished. Candy Crush, chatting with the kids and the dog (yes the dog)...nothing was motivating me. I wasn’t feeling any zing to just do Jill - then I opened an email that showed that the replacement hose for my vacuum had been shipped. I followed the tracking number, et voila! It read DELIVERED! The pup and I basically trotted to the mailbox at the end of the driveway, where we found pay dirt! Not only was my hose there, but low and behold so was the Touch of Orange wood cleaner I had ordered. Oli had done his thing so we both turned back towards the house, he with his tail straight up in the air and a prance in his step. Me with a smile on my face while thinking of the mission to be accomplished. Rock bottom, 36 hours alone and I was excited by new cleaning equipment. It was time to get a life...or open a bottle of red. It is spring, so I guess its ok to be excited about spring cleaning right dear imaginary readers? |
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